Script created with Final
Draft by B.C. Software, Inc.
The Following is an excerpt from the screenplay "Pathos Bill"
by Mark W. Gray. Any unauthorized duplication or distribution
is strictly prohibited.
©1998 Mark W. Gray
WGA Registered #686823
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1 TITLES 1
Intercut Main titles with brief luminous dreamlike EXTREME
CLOSE UPS of a beautiful woman (LINDA). The camera explores
her in detail, moving along the nape of her neck, the shadow
in her cleavage, her perfect teeth and red laughing lips, her
delicate painted fingernails, her tiny waist corseted in red
satin, etc.
2 EXT MOTEL - NIGHT ESTABLISHING 2
Interstate traffic drones past the exit ramp adjacent motel.
3 INT MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT 3
A PROM COUPLE enters the modest room. He (BILL) wears a
rented tuxedo and looks a little nervous. She (LINDA) glides
in wearing a gaudy yet glamorous red satin hoop-skirt as seen
in the opening credit montage, her hair up ala Audrey
Hepburn. The FREEWAY SOUNDS fall to silence as he closes the
door. They look at the room and then at each other. They
come together almost kissing, then she turns.
LINDA
Can you undo my hook?
BILL
Okay.
He carefully unhooks her dress. She turns and smiles at him.
LINDA
Let me hang up my dress. I don't wanna
mess it up.
She crosses to the alcove by the bathroom. Bill looks at the
key in his hand, puts it in his pocket, then takes it out and
puts it on top of the TV, where he sees the HBO card.
BILL
Hey, Kenny Roger's "Six Pack" is on the
HBO this month! You know, that's the
thing about cable...
He looks up and is stopped short by what he sees:
Linda turns from hanging up the dress. She wears a
strapless, white bustier with garter straps holding up white
stockings which lead into dyed red shoes. All this is framed
in the transparent mesh support of the hoop skirt. In the
glowing back-light from the bathroom, her lingerie seems lit
from within. If Michelangelo did the Victoria'a Secret
catalog, it would look like this. Bill stands agape at the
surreally beautiful sight.
LINDA
What?
Bill walks up to her, overcome by emotion. They embrace
passionately.
CUT TO:
4 INT BILL'S BEDROOM - MORNING 4
Bill's eyes open as he wakes from the dream. He looks around
and sees his THREE CATS sitting around his pillow looking at
him expectantly. He sits up, looks about him and sighs. He's
not really a teenage prom-goer, but, in fact a thin, nearly
30 year old bachelor. The room is "decorated" in bachelor
style: No furniture over 3 feet tall; Framed posters leaning
against the walls; A few ironic toys. A small Ikea desk
supports a Macintosh; it starts up and comes to life.
COMPUTER (VO)
(Voice of Hank Kimball from
GREEN ACRES)
G'morning Mr. Douglas!
Bill rises causing the cats to scurry out of the room. He
pulls on an old T-shirt with a "Dukakis/Bensen" Logo on it
and heads for the bathroom. The computer is making MODEM
NOISES. Bill comes out brushing his teeth.
COMPUTER (VO)
You've got mail!
Bill presses a few keys and heads back to the bathroom.
COMPUTER (VO)
From Linda465. Hey, it's me, Linda
Cousins! I just got this thing and...
Bill rushes back up and hits a key, stopping the annoying
computer voice. His eyes scan the page hopefully.
LINDA (VO)
Hey, it's me, Linda Cousins! I just got
this thing and now I'm going e-mail
crazy. I keep finding all these people
from my past; it's so cool. So what have
you been doing? I found some old
pictures of you the other day and it made
me kind of sad.
Bill opens a drawer and digs out an old photo of himself and
Linda. They look happy. He looks back at the screen.
BILL
Holy shit.
LINDA (VO)
I had to get a fresh start, you know...
5 INT BIOGEN - BILL'S LAB/OFFICE - DAY 5
Wearing a white lab coat, Bill works with samples in test
tubes. He loads several into a centrifuge and switches it
on. TAYLOR a lab tech, early twenties, with a Dr. Who T-
shirt, stands in the doorway eating a cruller.
TAYLOR
Very interesting. So in this dream, did
she leave you, move to Mexico and fuck a
bunch of guys?
BILL
Shut up. No, it was weird; we were going
to the prom together and she had this red
ball gown... I mean, I never went to the
prom.
TAYLOR
Well, you know, dreams are like that.
BILL
Yeah, but then I woke up, and got this e-
mail from her out of the blue.
TAYLOR
Well, you know, reality is like that. So
did you tell her you had moved on and
weren't interested in being manipulated
by her crazy shit anymore?
BILL
No, I... I didn't reply. I mean, I don't
know what to say to her. She's in Las
Vegas. Going to school or something. I
just... I thought I'd never hear from
her again. We went out for almost a
year, you know.
TAYLOR
Dude, don't go getting all mushy in the
head. You had a dream about her, big
deal. Have you forgot what happened?
Maybe you should think about what she did
to you before getting all nostalgic.
BILL
I know, I know. Believe me, I'm totally
over her.
TAYLOR
Right. So anyway, are you in the pool
yet?
BILL
What pool?
TAYLOR
The pool, man. Crystal's baby! C'mon.
BILL
Look, I told you, I'm not interested in
that show. It's stupid bullshit made for
idiots.
TAYLOR
Dude, you wouldn't say that if you ever
watched it. It's the finest daytime
drama ABC's ever put on. Are you in or
not? It's ten bucks.
BILL
(pulling out his wallet)
I'll take Halloween. She'll never pop in
under eleven months.
TAYLOR
(writing)
Got it. Hey, how'd you do last night?
That City Hall chick was really into you.
BILL
What? No she wasn't.
TAYLOR
So, did you go home with her, or what?
Bill stares into the middle distance, remembering the
evening.
6 INT SPORTS BAR - HAPPY HOUR 6
Bill stands in the crowded bar talking with BRIANNA, a fairly
attractive career woman in a navy blue business outfit. She
sips a gin and tonic as he nurses a bottle of beer.
BRIANNA
So, do you work around here?
BILL
Yep.
BRIANNA
Great.
He nods at her. She nods at him. They drink and look around
the room.
CUT TO:
7 INT BIOGEN - BILL'S LAB/OFFICE - DAY 7
Back to Scene. Bill stares.
BILL
We didn't really hit it off.
The centrifuge BEEPS.
TAYLOR
What else is new? Your fries are up.
The centrifuge spins down to a stop.
BILL
Yeah, thanks.
TAYLOR
Hey, you comin' out tonight? Bennigan's
has fried shrimp at happy hour. Plus, I
think it's "Ladies Night".
BILL
"Ladies Night"? You stand around and
look at a bunch of women who are
desperate enough to come to "Ladies
Night" and they still won't talk to you.
What's the point?
TAYLOR
Dude, fried shrimp.
BILL
Yeah, maybe. We'll see.
TAYLOR
Take it easy.
Taylor exits. Bill gets back to work.
BILL
(to self)
Ladies Night...
8 EXT BILL'S HOUSE - DAY 8
Bill gets out of his car carrying a rented tuxedo in a bag.
The one story post-war ranch house sits on a large wooded
lot. His lawn is an unkempt tangle. Bill straightens a
loose house number, but it won't stay put. He gives up and
goes in.
9 INT BILLS HOUSE - FOYER - DAY 9
Bill enters and hangs the suit tuxedo bag by the door.
BILL
Honey, I'm home.
10 INT BILLS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY 10
The cats, lounge on top of one another in the remains of a
paper bag they've shredded. Bill enters.
BILL
For God's sake, would it kill you to use
the scratching post?
Sitting between the shredded arm of a chair and the shredded
arm of the couch is an immaculate, untouched SCRATCHING POST.
Bill crosses to the answering machine and presses the button.
ANSWERING MACHINE (VO)
You have two messages
NURSE (VO)
This is Dr. Klein's office. Just a
reminder, it's deer tick season. We
wouldn't want little (pause) Paco, Mr.
Peabody, or, oh my, Hitler, to get Lyme
disease. Give us a call and we'll
schedule an appointment.
Close up: HITLER the cat looks up; he's yellow and white with
a black spot under his nose like a perfect Hitler mustache.
COSMO (VO)
'BEEP' Hey Bill! It's Cosmo! What are
you, at work? How ya doin'? I'm in town
for the wedding. Or did you figure that
out. It's Thursday about three.
I'm staying at the folks' - same number
for the last thirty-five years, so, give
a call, OK? Adios. 'BEEP'
The phone rings. Bill Answers.
BILL
Hello.
COSMO (VO)
Hey, it's Cosmo!
BILL
Hey, I was just about to call you.
COSMO (VO)
It wouldn't do you any good. I'm not
there. So, what's new, Mr. Home-owner?
BILL
Not much. I have crab grass and my
plumbing's all fucked up, but I've got a
satellite dish.
COSMO(VO)
Cool. So, what're you doing tonight?
BILL
Nothing. You want to come over, see the
house, hang out?
The doorbell RINGS. Bill goes to answer it.
BILL
Wait a sec, somebody's at my door.
COSMO(VO)
OK. Be careful who you open your door
to; I hear there are a lot of weirdos
out there.
Bill goes to the door carrying the cordless phone. He opens
it revealing COSMO holding a cellular phone.
BILL
(into phone)
I've gotta go, the retarded boy who
waters my lawn is here.
They smile, hang up their phones, and shake hands warmly.
COSMO
Mister Hedges, good to see you!
BILL
Hey, Hollywood, what's with the phone?
Isn't that like a dollar a second.
COSMO
Babe, you gotta stay connected, babe. It
is 'babe' isn't it? Besides, I got all
these free minutes... So what's new?
BILL
Oh, not much.
COSMO
This must be the famous house. Very
nice.
BILL
The layout's kind of "I Dream of Jeanie",
but I've gone with more of a Bachelor
Pad/Unibomber style. You want a beer?
COSMO
A beer? Why, that would be lovely.
11 INT BILLS HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY 11
Bill is opening beers.
BILL
So, where's Maureen?
COSMO
Back at home with the boy. It's getting
to be such a hassle to travel with him,
we decided to skip it this time.
BILL
Oh, I'm not going to get to see Cosmo
Jr..
COSMO
Man, a baby is like a little astronaut.
Where ever you take 'em, you've got to
carry all their life support systems.
You got the porta-crib, the diapers, the
car seat - which is huge, baby food,
bibs, toys. It's a big pain in the ass.
But, I got a picture of him right here.
Cosmo whips out a little wallet with a baby picture and hands
it to Bill.
BILL
(laughs)
God, he's so cute.
COSMO
Indeed. He's cuter than that, too. So
how's Linda? You ought to get her to
move in here - Martha Stewart-up the
joint a little.
BILL
We broke up.
COSMO
What? When?
BILL
Last year. I told you about it at
Christmas. Don't you remember?
COSMO
You did? Wow, I'm sorry. I guess I do
remember you saying something like that.
Man, that's too bad.
BILL
Well, it was a mutual decision. I had to
move on. You know what I mean?
COSMO
I guess. But it seemed like you guys
were so together. What, did she sleep
with somebody else?
BILL
What?! No. Well, maybe she did. I'm
not really sure. She went away for one
week with some girlfriend, to Club Med...
COSMO
Shit, I remember this story. They never
came back.
BILL
Yeah. They got jobs renting out kayaks
or something. Anyway, that was it. So
we broke up.
COSMO
By mutual decision.
BILL
Whatever. We broke up. I'm now a
swinging single.
COSMO
That's cool. But Mexico's not that far.
I would have gone down there after her.
BILL
Well, I'm not you.
COSMO
(toasting)
Thank God for that.
They clink bottles.
BILL
So, how about those guys getting married,
huh?
COSMO
Bizzarro World. They never went out back
in high school, did they?
BILL
No. They just ended up in the same city
for graduate school and started hanging
out together. Then, after a while, Bruce
says to her: "I think we should become
lovers."
COSMO
"I think we should become lovers."? He
said that?
BILL
Yep.
COSMO
Smooth. But I guess she went for it.
BILL
I guess. He was in the right place at
the right time.
COSMO
Yeah... So when's the bachelor party?
BILL
I don't think there is one. The
rehearsal's tomorrow so it would have to
be tonight.
COSMO
(picking up the phone)
You don't have any other plans, do you?
BILL
Just "Must See TV".
CUT TO:
12 INT TOPLESS BAR - NIGHT 12
A BUXOM WOMAN in a Red, white, and blue G-string dances on
the runway to ZZ Top. MEN are clustered around the runway
and at tables. STRIPPERS in provocative outfits chat up the
clientele. A WAITRESS takes away two empty beer pitchers and
puts down a third. Cosmo, Bill, and BRUCE sit at a table
watching the show.
BRUCE
Hey, wait a minute. I thought they were
supposed to be "totally nude".
BILL
No. Here they're "Gorgeous ladies from
around the world". That other place
where we didn't go was "Totally Nude".
BRUCE
Oh, right.
COSMO
This is better though. At a totally nude
place there's like, no showmanship at
all. They just roll around and point
their goodies at you for dollar bills.
This is much classier; like "Flashdance".
BILL
But so what? I mean, wouldn't your
regular girlie show patron just go where
ever the women were the most nude?
COSMO
Some would. But in Indiana, as in most
states, a place with totally nude dancers
can't serve alcohol. And staring at some
skanky snatch when you're stone cold
sober can be unbearably depressing.
BRUCE
I see your point.
An attractive busty young woman (TINA) wearing a string
bikini, pumps, and a mesh chemise, comes up to their table.
TINA
Good evening. How are you fellas
tonight?
BILL
Fine.
BRUCE
Great.
TINA
Great. Would any of you gentlemen be
interested in a table dance?
BRUCE
Uh... I don't think...
COSMO
How much is it?
TINA
A table dance is $20, but a private
dance in one of the alcoves is only $35.
COSMO
(pulling money from his wallet)
Well, our friend Bruce would like $20
worth, please. He's getting married on
Saturday.
TINA
Maybe we can change his mind.
Smiling, she takes the money and tucks it into her tiny
purse. She turns Bruce's chair away from the table and
starts doing a provocative routine inches in front of him as
Bill and Cosmo watch.
COSMO
She's very talented.
BILL
I agree. Do you go to these places a
lot?
COSMO
No, just the odd bachelor party, my own
included; plus once or twice to get a
buddy out of a funk. I scouted a bunch
for a movie I was working on;
also the one we actually shot in. Of
course, when you're in Vegas you can't
not go to one, so I've been to a couple
there.
BILL
That sounds like a lot.
COSMO
I guess so, huh. But it's just
entertainment; all part of life's rich
pageantry. Besides, it's like Father
Donovan used to say, "Pecca Fortitaire!"
BILL
I must have been absent that day.
COSMO
"Pecca Fortitaire!" It means "Sin
Bravely!"
BILL
Father Donovan said that?
COSMO
Yeah. You know how the Jesuits are.
The stripper on stage finishes as the music fades out. Tina
finishes Bruce's lap dance, touching him on the face.
TINA
You want another one, sugar?
BRUCE
No thanks. Maybe later...
TINA
Bye bye now.
She walks away; Bruce's eyes follow.
BRUCE
What a nice girl.
A puff of smoke squirts out from under the curtain as the
lights change to a dramatic purple.
ANNOUNCER
Now get ready for a Gentlemen's Club
favorite. Are you feeling spooky?
(Scary stage whisper)
The truth is out there...
The music switches to an uncanny simulation of the X-files
theme. A flashlight beam pokes out through the curtain,
followed by a SCULLY LOOKALIKE wearing a trench coat. She
sneaks down the runway with her flashlight. The audience is
awed.
COSMO
See? Showmanship.
She sluffs off the raincoat revealing an Armani-style suit
with a short skirt. Her dance mimics behaviors from the X-
Files as she drops piece after piece of the outfit.
COSMO
So, man, what have you been up to? How
is the swinging singleness coming along?
BILL
Oh, it's alright.
COSMO
Yeah?
BILL
Yeah. By that I mean it sucks. It's not
fair! Dating, I mean. You put yourself
out there just asking for rejection. And
the man always has to be the pursuer. A
woman just doesn't come up to you in bar
and start a conversation... Well, here
they do 'cause they want to sell you a
lap dance. But in real life, you've got
to be smooth, and good looking, and have
a lot of money, and have clever things to
say... It's a losing proposition.
COSMO
Kind of a slow year, huh.
BILL
It's just bullshit. I mean, why do we
have to go through all that posing
anyway. And the constant rejection...
COSMO
You know, there are other places to meet
women besides bars.
BILL
Yeah, but... It all seems so futile.
COSMO
Don't you meet women at work?
BILL
Not really. There was one girl I kind of
liked. We were supposed to go out once,
but she kept having to reschedule it;
over and over until finally I just said
fuck it.
COSMO
But she might have had some legitimate
time conflict. You should ask her again.
BILL
I dunno. I think she's dating somebody
else at work now.
COSMO
See, you snooze, you lose.
BILL
Thanks, that's very sage advice. I mean
this always happens to me. I end up
calling and calling. And they're always
real nice and encouraging when I finally
reach them, but do they call ever me?
No. After a while it just seems
pathetic.
As the dancer on stage begins to remove her white brassiere,
she moves forward on the stage, in character as if searching
with her flashlight.
COSMO
Well, how did you meet Linda?
BILL
Um... She was working in a store and I
was Christmas shopping. We got talking
about corkscrews or something.
COSMO
See? Effortless. Just quit putting out
this cloud of desperation. Granted, the
thing with Linda didn't really work
out...
BILL
That's an understatement.
The dancer's light drifts onto Cosmo and Bruce, then lands on
Bill. A look of recognition registers on her face. She
twirls and continues. She pulls her gun from its shoulder
holster and points it around the room.
When the song suddenly ends with it's trademark beat, the
lighting changes putting the dancer in silhouette as she
strikes a final pose. The crowd goes crazy, throwing wadded
dollars onto the stage. She puts her trench coat around her
shoulders and graciously exits, collecting the money.
COSMO
Now, THAT'S entertainment.
ANNOUNCER
Allllright! That was our very own very
special agent. She'll be back a little
later.
At the back of the room we see the ANNOUNCER who also
dexterously operates the lighting board, spot light, and
sound system.
ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
We hope you're all having a great time
tonight. We've got a lot of lovely
ladies waiting to entertain you.
Remember, happy hour is three to five on
week days, and every Saturday is Ladies'
Night! We know you have a choice when
looking for quality adult entertainment,
and we appreciate you choosing Route 421
Gentlemen's club.
COSMO
I want his job.
ANNOUNCER
Now, fresh from the Champs Ellysee,
Mesdames et Messieurs, Bienvenue: Sylvie!
The lights change as SYLVIE, a nude woman with an accordion,
steps out and starts a soulful version of LA VIE EN ROSE.
BILL
There's something you don't see every
day.
COSMO
So, Bruce, You having fun?
BRUCE
I can't believe I've lived here my whole
life and I've never been to this place.
I love you guys!
They drink. From a curtained doorway next to the stage, MAJA
(the SCULLY LOOKALIKE) comes out.
She wears her Scully lingerie with her trench coat around her
shoulders. She moves through the room toward Bill's table,
singling him out.
MAJA
Hi.
BILL
Hi. I'm sorry, you were really great,
but I don't think I need a table dance
right now.
MAJA
You were in the painting class -- at the
senior annex.
BILL
Yeah...
MAJA
Do you remember me?
BILL
Uh... Were you in the class?
MAJA
I was the model.
BILL
The model?
COSMO
Well, it's a small world after all.
MAJA
Oh, this isn't my hair. It's is a wig,
see? I'm usually blond.
She peels up a bit of the wig and shows her hair to Bill.
BILL
I see.
MAJA
I just wanted to tell you I really liked
your painting.
BILL
Really?
MAJA
Yeah, it was the best one. How come you
never finished the class?
BILL
Well, I had a lot of things going on. I
just didn't have the time, You know...
COSMO
So you're an art model as well as an
Eckdesiast?
MAJA
Uh Huh. I also do singing telegrams,
though there's not much money in that
anymore.
BILL
What's an Eckdesiast?
MAJA
Stripper.
BILL
Ah. Of course...
MAJA
Well, it's good seeing you... Bill,
right?
BILL
That's right. Uh...
MAJA
Maja (pronounced My-ah)
BILL
Maja. This is Cosmo, and Bruce.
BRUCE
I'm getting married on Saturday.
MAJA
Congratulations. Well, it's good to see
you, but I gotta go...
COSMO
Why? Take off your coat and stay a
while.
MAJA
No, I'm not supposed to hang around out
here; unless one of you guys want's a
table dance...
Cosmo goes for his wallet.
BILL
No. Really, I don't think...
COSMO
Bill would like one.
BILL
No, no, Really...
COSMO
(producing a $20 bill)
C'mon, it's on me.
BILL
I said I don't want one, alright?
MAJA
(quietly to Bill)
You might as well, he's never going to
let up.
BILL
But...
MAJA
(whispering)
It's okay.
She takes Cosmo's money, drops her coat, and begins dancing
before Bill.
BILL
(uncomfortable, trying to
maintain eye contact)
So, how long have you been working here?
MAJA
Since about March. It's pretty nice
compared to a lot of places.
BILL
Ah. ... Do you still do the modeling
thing?
MAJA
Uh huh. A lot of people don't believe me
when I say it, but modeling is actually
much more physically taxing than dancing.
BILL
Really?
MAJA
Oh yeah. Standing perfectly still for an
hour-- You get into a bad position and
you can really fatigue your muscles.
BILL
Hmmm. But it's gotta be more, uh, more
of a pleasant environment doing the art
class, right?
MAJA
Yeah... Art classes rarely need bouncers.
But the money, I mean, you can't make six
figures working for art schools.
BILL
Six figures? I mean, no I guess not.
MAJA
Well, that's if you work every night. It
still pays pretty good, though. I'm
saving up, trying to start a small
business.
BILL
Wow. Great.
Maja continues dancing as Bill tries to maintain eye contact.
Eventually, LA VIE EN ROSE comes to an end, and the nude
accordionist starts an up tempo POLKA. Maja picks up her coat
and demurely puts it around her shoulders. Cosmo and Bruce
applaud; Bill shoots them an "I'm gonna kill you fuckers!"
look.
MAJA
Well, thanks for the dance.
BILL
No, thank you. I mean-- it was very
good.
MAJA
You know, I'd love to see how your
painting turned out.
BILL
Uh, well...
She pulls a pen out of his shirt pocket and writes on a
napkin.
MAJA
Why don't you give me a call some time,
and I'll come see it, OK?
BILL
OK, sure.
Cosmo pulls out a couple of cigars, gives one to Bruce and
starts to light up.
MAJA
I'm sorry, you can't smoke those in here.
It's a non-smoking club.
She points to a sign on the wall which reads: THANK YOU FOR
NOT SMOKING, with a cartoon of a girl with huge breasts
smoking a cigar with a red NO sign through it.
MAJA
(to Bill)
A girl's gotta have her standards.
CUT TO:
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