Script created with Final
Draft by B.C. Software, Inc.
The Following is an excerpt from the screenplay "Pathos Bill"
by Mark W. Gray. Any unauthorized duplication or distribution
is strictly prohibited.
©1998 Mark W. Gray
WGA Registered #686823
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13 EXT NIGHT - DENNY'S 13
Establishing shot ala "Nighthawks at the Denny's"
14 INT NIGHT - DENNY'S 14
Bill, Cosmo, and Bruce sit at a booth drinking coffee. Bruce
sways nauseously.
COSMO
(to Bruce)
Don't worry, man, you just need to eat
something.
BRUCE
I'm getting married on Saturday.
COSMO
Yeah, you mentioned that. Look, you're
gonna love being married.
BRUCE
Yeah... But, don't you miss being
single?
COSMO
Nah. I hated being single... You know,
not everybody gets aggressively picked up
by strippers.
BRUCE
Yeah, man. That was amazing.
BILL
(fingering COCKTAIL NAPKIN)
Well, when you got it, you got it. No,
I'm not gonna call her.
COSMO
What?!
BRUCE
Why not?!
BILL
She's a stripper, for God's sake! I
mean, that's freaky isn't it?
COSMO
Oh please. She's a person with a job.
Granted, a job where she shows people her
tits for money, but so what? Look, you
were just complaining that you never meet
new women. Well, what the hell's more
new than this?
BRUCE
Man, you should totally call her. I'll
call her.
BILL
I don't know...
COSMO
Did you see that thing she did with the
gun?
(pantomimes, sings)
Do doo doo doooo doo dooo...
BILL
See, that's my point. I'm gonna go out
with a girl people talk about like that?
I don't think so.
COSMO
Who died and made you Amish? You don't
have to marry her, just call her up.
What's the worst that could happen? You
maybe get laid by an incredibly beautiful
girl who's known to be both artistic and
quite comfortable with her own body.
Maybe she exposes you to the dark
underbelly of Indianapolis' booming sex
trade.
BRUCE
I'd like to see that. Hey, I'm
comfortable with her body.
COSMO
Maybe you get, like, a Picasso thing
going with her: She models, you paint,
great passion is shared by deep artistic
souls as you unlock each others creative
vaults.
BRUCE
I'd like to unlock her...
BILL
Where's our food?
COSMO
Fine. But you got no right to complain
about how boring your life is when a
fucking E-ticket like this lands right in
your lap... Literally!
BRUCE
Wait, are you still dating that, what's
her name... Linda?
BILL
No. She... We broke up last fall.
BRUCE
What, she dump you?
BILL
No! ... Yeah, pretty much.
COSMO
I get it; he's still hung up on her.
BILL
Well, I'm not. Okay?
15 INT BIOGEN - LUNCH ROOM - DAY 15
Close on TV SET. A Soap Opera hospital scene plays out
between ZOLTAN with an eye patch and a leather jacket, and
ALICIA in a tight nurse's uniform.
ALICIA (ON TV)
Don't you see, Zoltan, you're the one
I've been waiting for. I was crazy to
ever leave you. Please don't go.
ZOLTAN (ON TV)
You don't know me, baby. I'm not who you
think.
Cut back to reveal several LAB TECHS sitting in rapt
attention. Bill sits to the side, hung over. He eats a
sandwich and tries to read a magazine.
ALICIA (ON TV)
I'll change, Zoltan, I swear. I don't
want to live anymore if I can't be with
you.
Zoltan pauses, slowly turns his lidded gaze to the weeping
Alicia. The Lab Techs tense up. Zoltan kisses her
passionately. The Soap music swells.
LAB TECHS
(ad lib)
Yea! Whoo hoo! Zol-Tan! Zol-Tan!
Bill rolls his eyes in disgust and continues eating.
16 EXT BILL'S HOUSE, GARAGE - DAY (TO ESTABLISH) 16
The door opens. Bill is moving around inside.
17 INT BILL'S HOUSE, GARAGE - DAY 17
Bill moves aside his Lawnmower, boxes, and other home-owner
stuff in the messy garage. He pulls out a tackle box and
opens it, revealing used brushes and tubes of oil paint. He
smiles and puts it aside. He finds a large rectangular thing
wrapped in a plastic bag.
He carefully cuts the tape and slides the bag down to reveal
his painting of Maja. It's unfinished, but it captures her
beauty. She has medium length tousled blonde hair which Bill
runs his fingers along. She is nude, but her pose suggests
the Louvre more than the Strip Club. He looks at her fondly.
BILL
Well... she is a natural blonde...
18 INT BILL'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY 18
Bill, referring to the cocktail napkin, dials the phone. He
takes a deep breath and clears his throat several times. He
walks around the kitchen nervously until the line picks up.
GRUFF MALE VOICE (OS)
(a DOG BARKS loudly in the
background)
Please leave a message at the sound of
the tone. (to dog) SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M
TRYNA' LEAVE A MESS...(BEEP!)
BILL
Hi... Uh, I'm trying to reach Maja. Uh,
this is Bill, we met the other night at
the, uh... I'm not sure this is the
right number, but... I have your
painting. I mean, I found the painting
of you I did. If you wanna give me a
call, uh, maybe you can come see it...
Unless this isn't the right number, then
just forget it, unless you wanna call me
and let me know it's not the right
number. So, whatever. Have a nice
day... Bye.
Bill starts to hang up, then thinks of something.
BILL
Oh! Uh, 547-78...
19 EXT CATHEDRAL - DAY 19
Church bells are ringing in a beautiful carved limestone
steeple.
COSMO (OS)
Beautiful, isn't it.
BRUCE (OS)
Such craftsmanship...
BILL (OS)
What'd it cost you?
Cut back to reveal Bill, Cosmo, and Bruce in tuxedoes looking
at a red 1961 Cadillac convertible parked on the curb in
front of the church.
COSMO
Nothing. My grandmother left it to me.
BILL
I thought your grandmother was... Oh my
God, she didn't just die, like,
yesterday, did she?
COSMO
Jesus, no. She's fine. But she doesn't
drive anymore, she's terrified that it'll
rust, and if she "gifts" it to me while
she's still alive, it's not taxed like
inheritance; or something like that.
BRUCE
You lucky shit. How are you gonna get it
back to LA?
COSMO
I'm gonna get my kicks on route sixty-
six.
BILL
Wow...
COSMO
You should come with me. We'd have an
incredible time.
BILL
We would, wouldn't we.
BRUCE
Oh, man. I wish I could take a trip like
that.
COSMO
You'd better discuss it with your wife
first. But, Bill, this is a great idea!
You should take some time off and come to
California with me.
BILL
I can't just... go to California.
COSMO
Why not!? It'd be fantastic. Three and
a half days of AMERICA - On the Road,
Cool Car, Roadside Attractions, Vegas-
maybe. Then Hollywood. You wanna meet
new people? Well they got loads of them
out there.
BILL
Vegas, huh? You know, Linda's in Vegas
now.
COSMO
Great! We could go see her. She's
probably still carrying a torch for you.
BILL
What? No she isn't.
COSMO
She could be. You could have a romantic
reunion under the neon.
BILL
It would be nice to have some kind of
closure on the whole thing.
COSMO
Of course it would. And if that doesn't
work out, you've still got LA. Like,
half my friends out there are single
women; many of whom I've told about you.
BILL
You have?
COSMO
Yeah! They'd love you out there.
They're always saying all the good single
men are gay.
BRUCE
You know, I hear women say that all the
time.
BILL
Me too, what the hell is that?
COSMO
And the whole place is a mood elevator;
sunny all the time. Plus, it's a glamour
paradise; the population density of
beautiful women is a constant source of
amazement to me.
BILL
I don't know....
COSMO
Listen, take it from me, an old married
guy: When you start to accumulate
responsibilities, your opportunities for
wild, spontaneous adventure come farther
and farther apart. This is it for me.
My wife is pregnant with our second
child. I'm about to be a guy with kids.
Kids! But you, you're a swinging
bachelor. This is the kind of thing you
should be doing all the time. You're
always complaining about how boring it is
around here is. What are you afraid of?
BILL
It is a nice car.
COSMO
(case closed)
C'mon, we better get inside.
They start up the steps of the church
BRUCE
I wanna be a swinging single.
COSMO
Shut up and get married, you.
20 INT BILL'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT 20
Bill enters wearing his tux with the tie undone and carrying
a gold foil swan. He opens it up and puts it on the counter.
The cats vault up and dig in to the left-overs. Bill hits
the button on the answering machine.
ANSWERING MACHINE (VO)
You have one message 'BEEP'
MAJA (VO)
Bill, this is Maja. Yes, this is the
right number. I'd love to see your
painting. So give me a call, okay? Bye
bye. 'BEEP'
Bill grabs the phone, checks the number on the napkin, and
dials. The line rings once. Bill looks at his watch.
BILL
Shit.
He quickly hangs up.
BILL (cont'd)
Two thirty... She does work nights.
She'd just be getting home.
Bill gathers his courage and presses re-dial. The line rings
twice.
GRUFF MALE VOICE (OS)
(a DOG BARKS loudly in the
background)
Please leave a message at the sound of
the tone. (to dog) SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M
TRYNA' LEAVE A MESS...(BEEP!)
BILL
(cringing)
Hi, it's Bill again. I thought maybe I'd
catch you at...
GRUFF MALE VOICE (OS)
(Picking up)
Who the fuck is this?!
BILL
Oh... Sorry. Never mind. I'll call
later.
GRUFF MALE VOICE (OS)
It's pretty fucking late now!
Gruff Male Voice abruptly hangs up.
BILL
That could've gone better.
21 EXT BILL'S HOUSE, BACK YARD - DAY 21
CLOSE ON a HAPPY LAWN GNOME grinning and giving a thumbs-up.
A sprinkler head pops up from his hat and starts sprinkling.
Bill and Cosmo are on the back porch enjoying afternoon
beers. Bill paces, talking on the cordless phone, while
Cosmo lounges on a chaise.
BILL
(into phone)
--- Really? That much? --- That's paid
vacation? --- But if I go, it has to be
tomorrow, so I understand if... ---
Really? --- But don't you need me to ---
Oh. --- Okay, great! I'll be checking my
e-mail, so... --- Well, if you do... ---
Right. Okay, I guess I'll see you in a
couple weeks.
(hangs up)
Well that was remarkably easy.
COSMO
Who's gonna get your cats and feed your
mail?
BILL
I hadn't really thought I could get away
until just now. Let's see, everybody
from work lives way on the south side.
They're all pretty unreliable anyway...
COSMO
(producing a piece of paper)
Here, I found this at the drug store.
He hands it to Bill who unfolds it revealing a big cartoon of
a cat and the slogan: "PET MINDERS". The bottom of the page
is cut into little STRIPS with the phone number.
BILL
You know, Svengali, you're just supposed
to tear off one of these.
COSMO
I didn't want them to get booked up.
BILL
(reading)
"...Will Dog-sit, cat-sit, fish-sit,
house-sit. Don't make Fido fend for
himself... Best care, anywhere.
Reasonable prices." There's a career,
fish-sitter.
COSMO
Some people like animals.
Cosmo takes the phone, dials, and hands it back to Bill.
It's answered on the first ring.
FEMALE VOICE (OS)
Hello.
BILL
(into phone)
Yeah, hi. I'm trying to reach "Pet
Minders"...
COSMO
(looking at yard)
You should get a Jacuzzi.
22 EXT BILL'S HOUSE, DRIVEWAY - MORNING 22
Extreme Close-up on a BOX OF DONUTS on the hood of the car.
Cut back to reveal Cosmo's Cadillac parked in the driveway
with the trunk open. Cosmo eats a donut as he browses
through a giant road atlas.
COSMO
(heading into the house)
Hey, do you want to see mountains or
desert?!
23 INT BILL'S HOUSE - DAY 23
Cosmo enters reading the atlas as Bill scurries around making
preparations. He writes little post-it notes and applies
them to cat food, answering machine, etc.
BILL
What?
COSMO
Do you want to see mountains or desert?
If we take I-40, it's (following map with
a finger) Farm land- Farm land- Prairie-
Prairie- Desert- Desert- Meteor Crater-
Desert- Hollywood. If we take I-70 to I-
15, it's: Farm land- Farm land- Big
Prairie- Mountains- Better Mountains-
Desert- Vegas- Desert- Hollywood.
BILL
Uh... The second one, I guess. Where's
that pet girl? It's almost eight. I got
a lot of stuff to tell her about.
COSMO
I don't know. Maybe you should call her.
BILL
Yeah.
Bill grabs the phone, consults the Pet Minders flyer, and
dials.
COSMO
The southern route's a lot faster, but
the other one is prettier; plus more
convenient to Vegas, home of your once
and future girlfriend, Linda.
BILL
I'm sure she has a boyfriend by now. I
would like to see her again, though. You
know, for closure.
COSMO
Yeah yeah, closure. Also, you never
know. This theoretical boyfriend could
be a crutch, like a transitional guy to
help her get over you.
BILL
That's a lot of theoretical... You
really think that's possible?
The line picks up.
GRUFF MALE VOICE (OS)
(a DOG BARKS loudly in the
background)
Please leave a message at the sound of
the tone. (to dog) SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M
TRYNA' LEAVE A MESS...(BEEP!)
Bill's eyes widen in recognition. He grabs the napkin from
the topless bar and looks from it to the flyer realizing they
both are the SAME NUMBER.
BILL
(meekly)
Maja?
The doorbell rings.
MAJA (OS)
Helloooo...
Bill looks up to see Maja coming in through the open front
door. She wears jeans, a sweatshirt, and a baseball cap, her
blonde hair in a pony tail. He looks at the phone and hangs
up.
COSMO
Good morning.
MAJA
Hi. Howya doin'.
BILL
You're Pet Minders?!
MAJA
Yeah. Pretty wild, huh.
COSMO
It boggles the mind.
BILL
But you're... I thought... You didn't
say anything on the phone.
MAJA
Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I just
didn't put it together until you were
hanging up. Then I kinda thought it'd be
fun to surprise you.
COSMO
That's showmanship for you. C'mon, let's
hit it.
BILL
But...
MAJA
(pulling things from her bag)
Look, here are my references; they're all
from very particular cats. And here's a
Xerox of my I.D and my passport. You can
take it with you so when I rob you and
trash your house doing Satanic rituals
you can call the FBI on me.
(She produces a squeak toy from
her bag and squeaks it.)
Here kitty kitty.
The cats dart from their various hiding places to greet and
rub up against Maja. She squats down and strokes them
lovingly. Bill looks from the paperwork to Maja.
MAJA
(Ad Lib to cats)
Aren't you sweet. Yes you are, (etc.)
She looks up and smiles, clearly in her element.
BILL
I guess I'd better show you around.
CUT TO:
24 EXT BILL'S HOUSE, DRIVEWAY - EARLY MORNING 24
Cosmo is organizing the trunk as Bill comes out the door
carrying some luggage and his Powerbook bag. Maja stops in
the doorway holding a kitty. Bill puts his stuff in the car
and returns to the door.
COSMO
C'mon, C'mon. We're burning daylight!
BILL
Keep your shirt on.
(scratching the cat behind the
ears)
B'bye, Paco. You and the guys be good,
OK?.
(to Linda)
Also, I forgot to write this down, Hitler
needs hairball medicine every few days.
He hates it, but don't let him give you
any shit.
MAJA
We'll be just fine. Don't worry. Hey,
do you want me to fix that faucet in the
kitchen for you? I saw it was kinda
leaky.
BILL
Uh... You don't have to do that.
MAJA
That's Okay, I love doin' stuff like
that.
BILL
Really? Wow. Alright, go crazy.
COSMO
(dragging Bill away)
I hate to break up the party, but if
we're not in LA by Friday, my wife's
gonna start selling my clothes.
BILL
(calling back)
Oh, and don't turn off the computer in
the bedroom, it keeps it's own schedule.
I don't know where I'm gonna be, so if
you have any problems just e-mail me.
It's all self explanatory; I left a
note..
COSMO
(hustling Bill into the car)
C'mon, Poindexter, she knows how to send
e-mail. Let's get going.
MAJA
Yeah, don't worry. My room mate has a
Macintosh. I use it all the time.
BILL
Your room mate?
MAJA
Uh huh. He even met his girlfriend on
line. Isn't that wild?
COSMO
(starting car)
Freak show, baby. We gotta go. Have
fun!
Cosmo starts backing the car down the driveway
BILL
(calling back)
Bye! I'll call you!
MAJA
Bon Voyage!
She waves, then takes the kitty's paw and makes it wave bye
bye as the car drives away.
MAJA
(kitty voice)
Bye, bye!
Bill looks back at the receding tableau of his home with a
beautiful woman standing in the doorway smiling and waving
good-bye. He looks forward and sighs.
COSMO
Next stop, America.
(off Bill's annoyed look)
What?
25 GRAPHIC - MAP OF UNITED STATES 25
A line moves from Indianapolis through Illinois, St. Louis
into mid Missouri. DISSOLVE with various shots of roadside
Americana: "Gas Food Lodging", "Liquor - Moccasins, next
right", "World's largest Strawberry, 7 mi." etc.
26 EXT MOVING CADILLAC - DAY 26
The giant car flies along the two lane black-top, surrounded
on both sides by acres of CORN. The top is down. Cosmo is
at the wheel and Bill is fiddling with the 1950's AM RADIO.
We hear different EVANGELISTS in various states of religious
fervor, interspersed with bits of HEAVY METAL MUSIC.
BILL
Man! You really only get two choices out
here: The power of The Lord or the music
of The Devil.
COSMO
'Course there's Christian Heavy Metal
bands; they cover both bases.
BILL
Yeah.
(in mock heavy metal British
accent)
HELLO CLEVELAND! ARE YOU READY TO ACCEPT
JESUS CHRIST AS YOUR PERSONAL SAVIOR?!
COSMO
(Makes cheering crowd noise)
Hahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. DON'T THROW YOUR
PANTIES AT US! THROW THEM TO THE
LOOORRD!!
They laugh. Pause.
BILL
It's pretty wild that girl from the strip
club turned out to be PetMinders, huh?
COSMO
No wilder than her also being the model
in your art class.
BILL
Yeah, that is weird.
Bill pulls her references out of his bag and leafs through
them, finding her passport photo.
COSMO
God is clearly trying to get you two
together. That or she's stalking you.
Either way she seems like a lovely girl.
BILL
Yeah, she's a stripper with a heart of
gold.
COSMO
She's also an art model, and a house
sitter, and don't forget the singing
telegrams.
BILL
Maybe she can weld too. I mean she's
really pretty and everything, but she is
a stripper. Do I really want to think
about getting involved with a stripper?
COSMO
(solemnly)
My mother was a stripper.
BILL
Really?
COSMO
You are so gullible.
BILL
(laughs)
Asshole.
Cosmo fiddles with the radio, finding an Oldies station.
COSMO
Here we go!
The Buddy Holly song "Peggy Sue" is just beginning. Cosmo
and Bill join in.
COSMO
(singing)
I love you.
Peggy Sue...
COSMO & BILL
(singing maniacally)
PRETTY PRETTY PRETTY PRETTY
PEGGY SUE!
The car zooms away through the cornfields as they sing.
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Script created with Final
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