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The Following is an excerpt from the screenplay "Pathos Bill" by Mark W. Gray. Any unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. ©1998 Mark W. Gray WGA Registered #686823 INT TOPLESS BAR - NIGHT A BUXOM WOMAN in a Red, white, and blue G-string dances on the runway to ZZ Top. MEN are clustered around the runway and at tables. STRIPPERS in provocative outfits chat up the clientele. A WAITRESS takes away two empty beer pitchers and puts down a third. Cosmo, Bill, and BRUCE sit at a table watching the show. BRUCE Hey, wait a minute. I thought they were supposed to be "totally nude". BILL No. Here they're "Gorgeous ladies from around the world". That other place where we didn't go was "Totally Nude". BRUCE Oh, right. COSMO This is better though. At a totally nude place there's like, no showmanship at all. They just roll around and point their goodies at you for dollar bills. This is much classier; like "Flashdance". BILL But so what? I mean, wouldn't your regular girlie show patron just go where ever the women were the most nude? COSMO Some would. But in Indiana, as in most states, a place with totally nude dancers can't serve alcohol. And staring at some skanky snatch when you're stone cold sober can be unbearably depressing. BRUCE I see your point. An attractive busty young woman (TINA) wearing a string bikini, pumps, and a mesh chemise, comes up to their table. TINA Good evening. How are you fellas tonight? BILL Fine. BRUCE Great. TINA Great. Would any of you gentlemen be interested in a table dance? BRUCE Uh... I don't think... COSMO How much is it? TINA A table dance is $20, but a private dance in one of the alcoves is only $35. COSMO (pulling money from his wallet) Well, our friend Bruce would like $20 worth, please. He's getting married on Saturday. TINA Maybe we can change his mind. Smiling, she takes the money and tucks it into her tiny purse. She turns Bruce's chair away from the table and starts doing a provocative routine inches in front of him as Bill and Cosmo watch. COSMO She's very talented. BILL I agree. Do you go to these places a lot? COSMO No, just the odd bachelor party, my own included; plus once or twice to get a buddy out of a funk. I scouted a bunch for a movie I was working on; also the one we actually shot in. Of course, when you're in Vegas you can't not go to one, so I've been to a couple there. BILL That sounds like a lot. COSMO I guess so, huh. But it's just entertainment; all part of life's rich pageantry. Besides, it's like Father Donovan used to say, "Pecca Fortitaire!" BILL I must have been absent that day. COSMO "Pecca Fortitaire!" It means "Sin Bravely!" BILL Father Donovan said that? COSMO Yeah. You know how the Jesuits are. The stripper on stage finishes as the music fades out. Tina finishes Bruce's lap dance, touching him on the face. TINA You want another one, sugar? BRUCE No thanks. Maybe later... TINA Bye bye now. She walks away; Bruce's eyes follow. BRUCE What a nice girl. A puff of smoke squirts out from under the curtain as the lights change to a dramatic purple. ANNOUNCER Now get ready for a Gentlemen's Club favorite. Are you feeling spooky? (Scary stage whisper) The truth is out there... The music switches to an uncanny simulation of the X-files theme. A flashlight beam pokes out through the curtain, followed by a SCULLY LOOKALIKE wearing a trench coat. She sneaks down the runway with her flashlight. The audience is awed. COSMO See? Showmanship. She sluffs off the raincoat revealing an Armani-style suit with a short skirt. Her dance mimics behaviors from the X- Files as she drops piece after piece of the outfit. COSMO So, man, what have you been up to? How is the swinging singleness coming along? BILL Oh, it's alright. COSMO Yeah? BILL Yeah. By that I mean it sucks. It's not fair! Dating, I mean. You put yourself out there just asking for rejection. And the man always has to be the pursuer. A woman just doesn't come up to you in bar and start a conversation... Well, here they do 'cause they want to sell you a lap dance. But in real life, you've got to be smooth, and good looking, and have a lot of money, and have clever things to say... It's a losing proposition. COSMO Kind of a slow year, huh. BILL It's just bullshit. I mean, why do we have to go through all that posing anyway. And the constant rejection... COSMO You know, there are other places to meet women besides bars. BILL Yeah, but... It all seems so futile. COSMO Don't you meet women at work? BILL Not really. There was one girl I kind of liked. We were supposed to go out once, but she kept having to reschedule it; over and over until finally I just said fuck it. COSMO But she might have had some legitimate time conflict. You should ask her again. BILL I dunno. I think she's dating somebody else at work now. COSMO See, you snooze, you lose. BILL Thanks, that's very sage advice. I mean this always happens to me. I end up calling and calling. And they're always real nice and encouraging when I finally reach them, but do they call ever me? No. After a while it just seems pathetic. As the dancer on stage begins to remove her white brassiere, she moves forward on the stage, in character as if searching with her flashlight. COSMO Well, how did you meet Linda? BILL Um... She was working in a store and I was Christmas shopping. We got talking about corkscrews or something. COSMO See? Effortless. Just quit putting out this cloud of desperation. Granted, the thing with Linda didn't really work out... BILL That's an understatement. The dancer's light drifts onto Cosmo and Bruce, then lands on Bill. A look of recognition registers on her face. She twirls and continues. She pulls her gun from its shoulder holster and points it around the room. When the song suddenly ends with it's trademark beat, the lighting changes putting the dancer in silhouette as she strikes a final pose. The crowd goes crazy, throwing wadded dollars onto the stage. She puts her trench coat around her shoulders and graciously exits, collecting the money. COSMO Now, THAT'S entertainment. ANNOUNCER Allllright! That was our very own very special agent. She'll be back a little later. At the back of the room we see the ANNOUNCER who also dexterously operates the lighting board, spot light, and sound system. ANNOUNCER (cont'd) We hope you're all having a great time tonight. We've got a lot of lovely ladies waiting to entertain you. Remember, happy hour is three to five on week days, and every Saturday is Ladies' Night! We know you have a choice when looking for quality adult entertainment, and we appreciate you choosing Route 421 Gentlemen's club. COSMO I want his job. ANNOUNCER Now, fresh from the Champs Ellysee, Mesdames et Messieurs, Bienvenue: Sylvie! The lights change as SYLVIE, a nude woman with an accordion, steps out and starts a soulful version of LA VIE EN ROSE. BILL There's something you don't see every day. COSMO So, Bruce, You having fun? BRUCE I can't believe I've lived here my whole life and I've never been to this place. I love you guys! They drink. From a curtained doorway next to the stage, MAJA (the SCULLY LOOKALIKE) comes out. She wears her Scully lingerie with her trench coat around her shoulders. She moves through the room toward Bill's table, singling him out. MAJA Hi. BILL Hi. I'm sorry, you were really great, but I don't think I need a table dance right now. MAJA You were in the painting class -- at the senior annex. BILL Yeah... MAJA Do you remember me? BILL Uh... Were you in the class? MAJA I was the model. BILL The model? COSMO Well, it's a small world after all. MAJA Oh, this isn't my hair. It's is a wig, see? I'm usually blond. She peels up a bit of the wig and shows her hair to Bill. BILL I see. MAJA I just wanted to tell you I really liked your painting. BILL Really? MAJA Yeah, it was the best one. How come you never finished the class? BILL Well, I had a lot of things going on. I just didn't have the time, You know... COSMO So you're an art model as well as an Eckdesiast? MAJA Uh Huh. I also do singing telegrams, though there's not much money in that anymore. BILL What's an Eckdesiast? MAJA Stripper. BILL Ah. Of course... MAJA Well, it's good seeing you... Bill, right? BILL That's right. Uh... MAJA Maja (pronounced My-ah) BILL Maja. This is Cosmo, and Bruce. BRUCE I'm getting married on Saturday. MAJA Congratulations. Well, it's good to see you, but I gotta go... COSMO Why? Take off your coat and stay a while. MAJA No, I'm not supposed to hang around out here; unless one of you guys want's a table dance... Cosmo goes for his wallet. BILL No. Really, I don't think... COSMO Bill would like one. BILL No, no, Really... COSMO (producing a $20 bill) C'mon, it's on me. BILL I said I don't want one, alright? MAJA (quietly to Bill) You might as well, he's never going to let up. BILL But... MAJA (whispering) It's okay. She takes Cosmo's money, drops her coat, and begins dancing before Bill. BILL (uncomfortable, trying to maintain eye contact) So, how long have you been working here? MAJA Since about March. It's pretty nice compared to a lot of places. BILL Ah. ... Do you still do the modeling thing? MAJA Uh huh. A lot of people don't believe me when I say it, but modeling is actually much more physically taxing than dancing. BILL Really? MAJA Oh yeah. Standing perfectly still for an hour-- You get into a bad position and you can really fatigue your muscles. BILL Hmmm. But it's gotta be more, uh, more of a pleasant environment doing the art class, right? MAJA Yeah... Art classes rarely need bouncers. But the money, I mean, you can't make six figures working for art schools. BILL Six figures? I mean, no I guess not. MAJA Well, that's if you work every night. It still pays pretty good, though. I'm saving up, trying to start a small business. BILL Wow. Great. Maja continues dancing as Bill tries to maintain eye contact. Eventually, LA VIE EN ROSE comes to an end, and the nude accordionist starts an up tempo POLKA. Maja picks up her coat and demurely puts it around her shoulders. Cosmo and Bruce applaud; Bill shoots them an "I'm gonna kill you fuckers!" look. MAJA Well, thanks for the dance. BILL No, thank you. I mean-- it was very good. MAJA You know, I'd love to see how your painting turned out. BILL Uh, well... She pulls a pen out of his shirt pocket and writes on a napkin. MAJA Why don't you give me a call some time, and I'll come see it, OK? BILL OK, sure. Cosmo pulls out a couple of cigars, gives one to Bruce and starts to light up. MAJA I'm sorry, you can't smoke those in here. It's a non-smoking club. She points to a sign on the wall which reads: THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOKING, with a cartoon of a girl with huge breasts smoking a cigar with a red NO sign through it. MAJA (to Bill) A girl's gotta have her standards. ©1998 Mark W. Gray WGA Registered #686823
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